Thursday, January 03, 2008

The Purina Dog Food Diet

I was in the check out line at Wal-Mart the other day, waiting to buy a big bag of dog food. A pleasant looking woman was standing behind me.

“You have a dog?”


“No, I’m starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t. I lost 50 pounds the last time, but I ended up in the hospital, in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.” I went on to explain that, essentially, it’s a perfect diet and the way it works is to fill your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. By now, I noticed a small crowd had gathered around to hear me. “The food is nutritionally complete, so I’m going to try it again. Besides, I like the taste.”

I watched her face turn from a friendly smile to one of complete horror. “Why did you end up in intensive care? Did the dog food poison you?”

“Oh no. I was sitting in the street licking my ass and a car hit me.”

Everyone was laughing. I wonder why she wasn’t.

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