My brother, Sam, is two years older than me. He's always been bigger than me, too, even to this day. When I was 11 and he was 13, I said, I can't wait to be 13 so I can be big like him. Oh well. When I was 13 and he was 15, I said, I can't wait to be 15 so I can be big like him. I hadn't really changed that much. When I was 15 and he was 17, I said, I can't wait to be 17, so I can be big like him. No matter how hard I wished, it just never came true. One day, in his early twenties, I noticed he was starting to get that male pattern baldness thing going on. All of a sudden, I didn't want to look like him anymore.
Many years later, after I had a few years of male pattern baldness to deal with, myself, I had a close friend, Frank (see "A Sick, Sick Man," June 30, 2005) who was starting to lose it in the front. Not bad, mind you, but, some people are more conscientious than others in the hair departure department than others. I had already resolved myself to the fact that it just ain't coming back and I didn't have a self-esteem problem that warranted all that much concern. Having hair was not going to make me a better man. Better looking, maybe, but, I doubt it. Anyway, Frank saw an ad in the back of Boyslife or Playboy or something that promised to grow hair if you take these 100% ALL NATURAL pills for the rest of your life for just $29.95 a month. GUARANTEED TO GROW HAIR! Now, mind you, this is long before there was that blood pressure medication that accidentally grew hair out of your nose into a full mustache. Frank sent in for this miracle drug you could take in the privacy of your own home, shipped in a plain brown wrapper, so your neighbors wouldn't notice all of that new hair growth.
At the same time, Sam's girlfriend at the time, decided to whip up this New Age concoction (long before there was even a new age) of vitamins, minerals, herbs, raw eggs, yeast, curdled milk and ground up bull horns or some kind of weird recipe, to kickstart his new hair growth. It must have been of some concern over there at his household, too. He drank one faithfully, every day. Frank and Sam started their rather unique and different regimens at the same time, unbeknownst to each other. The only common bond between them was me. They knew each other, but, not all that well. I became the silent referee, so I could follow their "progression" and to see which program was more of a failure.
After several weeks of laughs, Frank said to me, "Hey, Dave, LOOK! See these little fine hairs growing here? They're new! They weren't here a week ago."
I said, "Frank. Those are the remnants of old hairs. They always get fine in the end, just before they disappear forever."
"Baloney (or words to that effect.) These are new hairs. I should know. They weren't here a couple of weeks ago. You don't know what you're talking about, so, shut up!"
I think I ran into Sam the following day. "Hey, Dave, LOOK! See these little fine hairs growing here? They're new! They weren't here a week ago."
I said, "Sam. Those are the remnants of old hairs. They always get fine in the end, just before they disappear forever. You, of all people, should know that."
"Baloney (or words to that effect.) These are new hairs. They weren't here a couple of weeks ago. You don't know what you're talking about, so, shut up!"
OK. OK. Maybe I didn't know what I was talking about, but, I had a few years of experience under my hat. It was happening to me.
Several weeks went by and they gave me the same spiel again, rambling on and on about their new hair growth. I offered my support and that was it. I never made another discouraging remark. Funny thing is, though, after a couple of months, I never heard another word from those guys about it again.
Never saw any new hairs either.
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